Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Silly Supervillains: Hazardous

Right, so, there we were: me and Captain Amazing, downtown, closing in on this suspected bank robber. Well, no - let's be clear. We "suspected" he was a bank robber because A) there'd just been a bank robbery; B) he was walking down the street in a ski mask in the middle of July; and C) he was carrying a giant duffel bag with bundles of money sticking out of it.

So Captain Amazing comes roaring up to the guy - just drops right out of the sky and lands beside him. You've seen him in news footage, right? It's quite an entrance, like a hawk dropping on a mouse. So Captain Amazing touches down, looks at the guy, and says: "Son, you're coming with me." And the guy just sort of cocks his hip, and then hip-checks the captain. It looks like a dance move, but it hits like a truck. Captain goes flying, right through a city bus and halfway into the nearest building.

So now I'm thinking, "Oh, hell, this one's got super strength." But I've already got the snot-gun ready, so I fire it off anyway. It spluts onto his left ankle, and immediately hardens. I figure he's just going to kick his way free, but no: the guy isn't moving. He's tugging on his ankle, but he's stuck. That shouldn't be possible, but I'm not complaining.

At this point, Captain Amazing pulls himself out of the building and launches himself like a rocket at the perp. He's got his fist cocked for a steel-bending swing, cape flaring out behind him, glint of determination in his eye... Well, our boy gets himself twisted around, and he sort of... meets the Captain's fist with his belly. Really thrusts his stomach out there just as the Captain reaches him.

And once again, Captain Amazing goes flying. This time he goes right through one of the big, reflective skyscrapers: in one window, and out another window that's two floors up on the far side of the building. I can see sky through the hole. Huge spray of glass, too - I think Faith Healer spent a good hour patching up civilians after the battle.

But, y'know, okay. The snot-gun worked once, so I fire it off again and glue his other foot the ground. Now he's really struggling, kind of thrashing around and trying not to fall over. I can hear sirens, and they're getting closer, so I figure this is a good time to actually show myself.

So I come up beside the perp just as the police arrive. By now I'm starting to figure out what's going on, so when the first officer approaches I say, "Be careful with this one, Officer. He's got a magic belt or something."

The guy kind of twists around and glares at me. And then - I am not making this up - he says, "I ain't got no magic belt, asshole. I got a power. I'm Hazardous Waist!"

1 comment:

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